


Battle for Boners

by fandomshere_fandomsthere



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party (Band), Samurai Abstinence Patrol - Ninja Sex Party (Song)
Genre: Blood, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Samurai Abstinence Patrol, War, casual stabbings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 13:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8373268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomshere_fandomsthere/pseuds/fandomshere_fandomsthere
Summary: The alliance between the Samurai Abstinence Patrol and Ninja Sex Party was doomed from the start. Their initial conflict has escalated into a full-on war, and Ross finds himself caught up in something he didn't want to be a part of in the first place. Things take a turn for the worse, and Ross is in far deeper than he ever thought he would be--no innuendo intended.





	1. Recruitment

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really excited for this one!! The idea's been sitting in my head for a while, but I haven't done anything about it until now :) I can't wait to take a ride with y'all on this one!

            The war, like most things, started with Danny whipping out his nuts.

            Ross had no idea how he’d managed to get caught up in the whole mess. He’d just been minding his own business one day when Danny had knocked frantically on his door, accompanied by Ninja Brian, explaining that their house had been destroyed by the Samurai Abstinence Patrol ( _What the fuck is that?_ Ross wondered) and that they needed a place to stay. Ross had obliged, albeit begrudgingly, and suddenly his house had become the headquarters for Ninja Sex Party’s side of the war.

            Ross had learned not to question whatever Danny had been up to long ago, so he accepted the people who would almost constantly come in and out, delivering information and supplies and battle plans. He wondered how a disagreement over sexual habits had escalated this much, but, again, he decided not to question it. He knew that he wanted Ninja Sex Party to win, however. By the sounds of it, the Samurai Abstinence Patrol actively forced people to be abstinent. Ross didn’t like the sound of that at all. He wanted to have freedom over his own sexual life, of lack thereof.

            Expressing that to Danny had been somewhat of a mistake.

            Danny knew he had Ross’ support. He had to—he was living and directing a war out of Ross’ house, for Christ’s sake. But any chance he got, Danny would pester Ross to join the ranks. Ross always refused. He liked sex as much as the next guy, but he wasn’t sure if he was willing to die over it.

            “Don’t you want to defend your right to bone?” Danny demanded whenever he tried to get Ross to join the cause. Ross never let Danny’s comments get to him. The only thing that intimidated him was how Brian would stare sometimes. No matter how much time Ross spent with the ninja, he never grew used to his piercing blue gaze that always seemed to be filled with murderous intent. It was especially unsettling when Ross would wake up in the middle of the night and see Brian standing over him, staring with a bundle of shurikens in one hand and a knife in the other.

            Despite Danny’s constant whining and Brian’s nonverbal threats, Ross managed to stay out of the war.

            …For a while.

            “It looks bad, Commander Sexbang,” a soldier said one day, a map unrolled on the kitchen table. The soldier had a cut that was forming the beginnings of a scar on his forehead above his left eye, and the dark circles under his eyes made it look like he’d gotten punched in both eyes—several times. Danny’s eyes scanned the map while Brian looked at it blankly. Ross stood at the counter, facing away from them, stirring his coffee as quietly as he could.

            “What if we attack them from here?” Danny said, pointing at a square on the grid to the west of the marker that served as the Samurai Abstinence Patrol soldier base.

            “No good,” the soldier replied. “They’ve got armed turrets everywhere.” He took out a sharpie and made an X for every turret surrounding the base, two on each side. “We don’t have enough soldiers to break through with brute force.”

            Ninja Brian shifted his stare to the soldier.

            “That won’t work either,” the soldier sighed. He scrubbed his face wearily. “We might…we might have to surrender, commanders. If we can’t take over this soldier base, we’ll never get the supplies we need.” Danny gritted his teeth and slammed his fist on the table, causing the markers to rattle and fall over. He hung his head, hair falling around his face and concealing it.

            “How many soldiers do you have?” Ross asked suddenly, looking over the soldier’s shoulder. He jumped.

            “U-um,” he stuttered, still startled, “about ten thousand. It sounds like a lot, but the Samurai Abstinence Patrol has twice that many, and more willing to fight. About five thousand of them are at this base.”

            Ross rubbed his chin thoughtfully, eyes narrowing at the map. “Do you need to take out every soldier in the base?”

            “No sir,” the solider said, shaking his head. “If we take out Major General Niss, we should gain control of the base. He’ll be heavily guarded though.”

            “What’s the major general’s first name?”

            “…Peter.”

            Of course it was. Ross sipped his coffee and sat at the only empty chair left at the breakfast table. He stared at the map, his brow furrowed, elbows resting on the table, fingers laced together as he calculated. He could feel everyone’s gazes on him. He got up from the table and came back a moment later with two sharpies, red and blue. The red one popped as he uncapped it.

            “So, here are their forces,” Ross said, pointing at the base with the red sharpie. “And here are yours.” He drew five circles with the blue sharpie, four on each side of the base, and one off to the side.

            “You’ll send a thousand men from each side, surrounding the base and drawing out most of the soldiers. Then an elite squad of say, a hundred or fewer, will make their way into the base and take out the remaining enemy soldiers.” Ross drew a line from a corner into the base. “You’ll have a thousand left for backup if you need it. The turrets will make it a little trickier, but you should be able to take those out from the inside.” He capped the sharpies and looked up. Danny leaned forward, both palms flat on the table, studying Ross’ battle plan, his eyes widening with every second.

            “Holy shit, this could work,” he breathed. “How the fuck did you come up with this?”

            Ross shrugged. “Doing a lot of raids online helped I guess. It’s not exactly real military experience, but it’s what I have.”

            “Ross,” Danny said, “if this works, it’ll—it’ll be a turning point. We have a chance of winning.” He rolled up the map and handed it to the soldier, giving hurried orders, most of which Ross missed, and the soldier nodded, scurrying out the door. Danny looked back at Ross, his eyes shining.

            “Don’t start crying on me,” Ross said. Danny laughed and put a hand on his shoulder.

            “We want you to join us for the attack,” he said. “Please, man. This was all your idea. If it works out, you deserve to be there when it does. If it goes south, you don’t have to stick around.”

            Ross looked at Danny, considering. The other man was looking at him desperately, his brown eyes shining with hope. Brian was staring at Ross over Danny’s shoulder, though his gaze wasn’t as menacing as usual. Ross sighed slightly.

            “Alright,” he relented. Danny cheered and hugged him, and Brian nodded once in approval. Ross sighed again. Somehow, he knew that he’d just gotten himself in a much bigger mess than he’d originally planned.


	2. The Base

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the rather ridiculous circumstances surrounding this situation, war is still war.

            Ross had no idea how he’d ended up here, and frankly, he was quite sick of having his life flipped upside down repeatedly and being completely clueless about it.

            When he’d suggested an elite squad of soldiers infiltrate the base, he never thought that _he_ would be one of those. He has never held a gun in his life, and he’d never felt more out of place than he did right now, surrounded by huge, muscly men and equally muscly women—and Danny and Brian of course. Ross glared at the ground as if it was at fault for getting him into this situation. Why had he agreed to being here? He sighed and lifted his gaze, looking around.

            Danny was off to the side, Brian not far away, plugging one ear, listening intently to a radio. Everyone was restless; there was tension in the air. Even from how far away they were, Ross could hear the telltale sounds of battle. He briefly wondered how many people were dead already, but pushed the thought away as quickly as it had arrived. Out of the corner of his eye, Ross saw Danny’s head snap up, and he nodded to Brian. Ross swallowed as Danny shouted, calling the soldiers to attention. The tension in the air doubled, to the point where it was almost tangible.

            Danny was giving a speech that Ross could hardly hear over the ringing in his ears. He tried to focus on Brian, who was behind Danny, playing chords on a synth for dramatic effect. Ross bit back a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. The grim expressions of the other soldiers made it clear to him that this was no time for laughter. It was hard to believe that so many people were passionate enough about sex to fight and risk their lives for it. Before Ross could think of much else, the synth chords rose in a crescendo before cutting off, the sound hanging in the air for a moment.

            That was the calm before the storm.

            Everything was a blur. The soldiers began to pile into trucks, and Ross went with the crowd. He ended up cramped between two men who were at least twice his size, sitting across from Danny and Brian. Danny gave him a reassuring smile, and Ross couldn’t help but return it, even if his heart was pounding out of his chest. The trucks started, and Ross’ stomach lurched as they sped forward. The ride seemed to last for only a second, and then they were running out of them and towards the soldier base of the Samurai Abstinence Patrol. The sound of battle was overwhelming now: shouts, gunshots, and—were those people sword fighting? Ross didn’t have much time to think about it. Thankfully, the attention of the enemy soldiers was focused elsewhere than the squad running into the gates that had been left open.

            The thick stone walls muffled the chaos outside of the base, and though Ross should have been comforted by it, he felt his stomach twist with unease. Experience in MMOs and other video games had taught him that silence in the midst of battle usually meant something bigger was coming. The air echoed with many footfalls and the occasional muffled yell of an enemy soldier who was still in the base being taken out. They were all moving towards a building that seemed to come out of the wall, and Ross’ fears that they were going to be ambushed were confirmed as no less than a hundred soldiers came piling out of it, a war cry ripping from their throats.

            All Hell broke loose. Ten of the ambushers dropped at once, shurikens buried in their foreheads. The sound of gunshots rang out again, the sound magnified as it bounced off of the walls. Ross heard Danny singing, because of course he was, and he had no idea what to do. This was all just too much, and it felt completely unreal. The minutes passed in a blur of shouts and guitar riffs and gunshots, and then the chaos ended almost as suddenly as it had started. A small group of enemy soldiers—Patrollers, he’d heard them called—was on their knees, their hands behind their head, guns pointed at them. Brian emerged from the building that was built into the wall, holding a blood-covered knife to the throat of a man who had black hair flecked with gray that was thinning. Danny strutted up to him triumphantly.

            “Major General P. Niss,” Danny began. He opened his mouth to say something again but turned his head to the side, snickering. “Sorry, your name is just funny.” Ross rolled his eyes.

            “Please just kill me already,” the major general sighed dejectedly. Brian shrugged and jammed the knife into the man’s throat, and Ross winced. Well, that was Ninja Brian for you.

            “What should we do with these ones, Commander Sexbang?” one of the soldiers asked, jabbing a Patroller in the side with her boot.

            “What do you think Ninja Brian?” Danny asked. Brian held up his knife. “Well I know you’ll kill them even if we don’t want to, so go ahead.” Ross opted to turn around this time.

* * *

 

            The Patroller burst into the Samurai Abstinence Patrol’s headquarters. She was covered in blood, bruises, and dirt, and greatly favored one leg over the other when she walked. Despite the confused cries of many of her fellow soldiers, she limped down the hallway and knocked on the door so hard that her knuckles ached, not stopping until Arin Neverbone opened the door.

            “Commander Neverbone,” she gasped, “I—”

            “Woah, what the hell happened?” he asked, cutting her off.

            “It’s Ninja Sex Party,” the soldier said. Arin’s grip on the door tightened, and he let her inside. Samurai Barry looked up from the table where a map was laid out, his eyebrows shooting up as he saw the state of the soldier. Arin closed the door behind them.

            “What about Ninja Sex Party?” he growled.

            “They took the base in the south,” the soldier explained. “And they killed Major General P. Niss.” Arin’s lips twitched, and Barry bit his lip as he tried not to laugh.

            “That’s—” Arin coughed and furrowed his brow in an attempt to return to his angry demeanor. “That’s terrible!” He punched the table for emphasis. “How? What happened?”

            “They used strategy like I’ve never seen from them before,” the Patroller said. She explained the battle plan to the best of her ability.

            “Do you know who came up with that?” Barry asked.

            “Definitely not Danny Sexbang or Ninja Brian,” Arin mumbled to himself. “They’ve been using simpler tactics.”

            “I recognized him from the descriptions our spies have given me,” the Patroller said. “He lives with Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian, and until now he’s never been a threat. His name is Ross O’Donovan.”

            “Never heard of him,” Arin said. “But if he can come up with a plan to take something that heavily guarded, we’ll need to do something about him if we want to win this war.”

            “It sounds like he’s close to Ninja Sex Party,” Barry observed. “Maybe we can use him to get them to surrender.”

            “And if not, we can always kill him and take away their strategist.”

            Barry nodded.

            Arin looked at the soldier. “Go see a medic, take a shower, and rest up. With that loss we just took, we’re going to need everyone we can get.” The soldier saluted and left, and Arin and Barry returned to the map. Arin flicked the marker they’d used for the base onto the floor and narrowed his eyes at the spot it once occupied, drumming his fingers on the table irritably. They’d fought too hard to come this far just to be taken down now.

            Ross had to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the gradual ascent into Rubberdoop...


	3. Sweet Victory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing the results of your work is pretty inspiring.

            Ross never should have underestimated Ninja Brian’s bloodlust. He figured that they would leave some Patrollers alive if they surrendered, but Brian had gone around killing every last one of them left alive. After that was all taken care of, the injured soldiers were tended to and the fallen ones were given a proper send off. Danny sang a heartfelt ballad while Brian played the keyboard, and by the end of it, Ross’ eyes were glassy.

            “Anyway, now that all that sad bullshit is over,” Danny said after a moment of silence after the ballad ended, “let’s kick it!”

            The soldiers were silent. Ninja Brian turned towards him slowly, eyes full of exasperation. Ross put one of his hands over his face and sighed.

            Danny cleared his throat. “You know. Let’s party or whatever.” Everyone cheered in response, and Ross smiled to himself. He looked around at the huge number of people who were all talking and laughing and felt an unexpected surge of pride. Getting involved in this war might not have been something high on his to-do list, but seeing the aftermath of his battle plan made him start to change his mind. The men and women who had been coming in and out of his house for the past month had always looked tired, worn, and dejected. Now, however, Ross could see a change in them. There was hope in their expressions—it was faint, but it was there. Maybe he really could make a difference.

            There was a sudden shout at the north of the base, where the large building set into the wall was. Ross directed his attention to the group of five soldiers standing there, wooden crates scattered around them, huge grins on their faces.

            “We found a bunch of shit in there!” one of them shouted.

            “Any booze?” someone called.

            “A few kegs!” came the reply, which was met with more cheers.

            And so the huge victory party started. Ross found himself in the middle of a mosh pit as Danny and Brian started playing again, something much livelier this time. Cheers and laughter and excited screams bombarded his ears. Normally he would have felt slightly overwhelmed, but at that moment it finally fully hit him that they’d won, that this base was theirs, and they had reason to celebrate. A huge grin stretched across his face. Someone called his name, but he could barely hear it above the din. Ross yelped as he was suddenly lifted into the air and taken to the stage by many hands. Danny grinned down at him and extended his hand. Ross took it and was pulled up on to the stage.

            “This guy’s the reason we’re here!” Danny shouted into the microphone (where had that come from?). “Give it up for Ross!”

            The crowd cheered, and Ross smiled awkwardly, lifting his free hand in a small wave. Danny lifted their joined hands in the air, and the crowd cheered even louder than before. Ross’ awkward smile turned into a huge grin.

            “Is this how it always is when you win a battle?” he asked.

            “Not usually,” Danny answered. “This one’s special though.” He smiled at Ross, his brown eyes shining.

* * *

 

            The party went on for hours. The shit that a few soldiers had found earlier turned out to be food, and the kegs of booze were cracked open. Ross noticed several groups of people and couples going into the small buildings that served as barracks and pointedly avoided them, not too keen on walking in on people being intimate with each other, no matter how many of them were involved. He got several offers from men and women alike, but politely refused them all. He was beginning to get tired, and looking for a place to sleep was proving to be difficult. The people in the barracks weren’t the only ones who had run off on their own—Ross witnessed Danny disappearing into the building set into the wall with two girls.

            Ross decided to take a walk around the base. The sun had gone down, and the night air was a little chilly. The edges of the base were deserted apart from the occasional bloodstain or weapon laying in his path. Everyone who wasn’t holed up in a bedroom somewhere was in the center of the base. Ross took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he shoved his hands in his pockets and mulled over the day’s events in his head.

            There had been the attack this morning, obviously, followed by the cleanup and the party. Ross’ memory was a little fuzzy with alcohol, but he remembered talking to Danny earlier that day, discussing plans for the next few days. They were going to stay in the base for a few days to figure things out. Danny briefly mentioned that he’d considered using the base as a headquarters rather than Ross’ house, but Ross had shot that idea down immediately. It was too dangerous. The Samurai Abstinence Patrol would know where the Ninja Sex Party headquarters was if they stayed there. Danny had seen his reasoning and launched into the next topic, much to Ross’ relief.

            If Ross was being honest, he’d miss having the sex-crazed man and psychotic ninja around, as strange as that sounded. Their crazy war had brought a certain unpredictability to Ross’ life, especially lately. The few days before the attack had been a blur of people in and out of the house, talking to Danny and Brian. Ross still had no idea how anyone talked to the ninja, considering he never spoke, but he didn’t question it. Not questioning things had become a regular pastime of his.

            Most things, that is.

            Lost in his thoughts, Ross hadn’t noticed the person lurking in the shadows, pressed up against the wall. He let out a startled yell that was muffled almost instantly by a large hand as his arms were wrenched behind him and his wrists tied together roughly, the rope cutting into his skin. Ross kicked at the shins of the person holding him and winced when his foot made contact with armor. A blindfold was placed over his eyes and a gag tied over his mouth. He attempted to twist his wrists to loosen the rope, but it wouldn’t budge. Panic began to set in, and Ross struggled once more before he felt a sharp pain in his head. The dim gray of moonlight filtering through the blindfold gave way to darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this chapter seems a little dull. It was almost painful to write.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments keep me motivated and let me know if you're enjoying what I'm doing! <3


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